The church, then and now

 Or

 Forty reasons Jesus will NOT return for His spotless bride this year.

 

A few skewed observations, with tears Ė by Roger Taylor rhtaylor@uiuc.edu

 

The Church in Acts

 

1. There were no needy persons among them. Acts 4:34

 2. And upon the first day of the week when the disciples came together to break bread (Lordís supper)  Acts 20:7

 3. Lets consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works. Heb. 10:24

 4. How is it then, brethren? when ye come together, every one of you hath a psalm,  hath a doctrine, hath a tongue, hath a  revelation, hath an  interpretation. Let all things be done unto edifying. 1 Cor. 14:26

 5. Let the prophets speak two or three, and let the other judge.  1 Cor. 14:29

 6. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, Mt. 28:19

 7. And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me. John 12:32 

 8. Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Eph 5:19

 9. Make disciples.

 10. This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. John 15:12

 11. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35

 12. Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be               baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins

 13. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. 2Cor 9:7 

 14. And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. Acts 2:1

 15. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. Rom. 8:14

 16. Work out your own salvation with fear and   trembling. Phil 2:12

 17. Let them praise his name in the dance: let them              sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp. Ps. 149:3,  Ps. 150:4

 18. And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; Eph. 4:11

 19. Let the elders (plural) that rule well be counted worthy of  double honour, especially they who labour in the word and doctrine. 1 Tim. 5:17 Acts 14:23

 20. And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power: 1 Cor. 2:4

 21. God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will? Heb. 2:4

 22. If there be among you a poor man of one of thybrethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother: Deu. 15:7

 23. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches. Rev. 3:6

 24. The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. 2 Tim. 2:6. 

 25. "Flee from sexual immorality..." 1 Cor. 6:18

 26. "...do not forbid speaking in tongues." 1 Cor. 14:39

 27. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21

 28. "Do everything without complaining or arguing." Phil.2: 14

 29. "Do not lie to each other." Col. 3:9

 30. "Devote yourselves to prayer." Col. 4:2

 31.For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 1 Thes. 4: 7

 32. Therefore encourage each other with these words. 1 Thes. 4: 18. 

 33. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 1 Thes. 5:19. 

 34. Test everything. Hold on to the good. 1 Thes. 5: 21. 

 35.I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing. 1 Tim. 2: 8

 36. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, etc.  1 Tim 3:2. 

 37. Some have in fact already turned away to follow Satan. 1 Tim 5:15. 

 38..  Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning. 1 Tim 5:20

 39. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.   2 Tim. 6:8. 

 40. And now, Lord, behold their threatenings: and grant unto thy servants, that with all boldness they may speak thy word, Act 4:29

 The church in Philadelphia

 

 

The Church Today

 

1. The sanctuary needs new carpet.

 2. Letís go to church, sing a few songs and see if the pastor has anything useful to say.

 3. Let us argue with one another over what to spend ďourĒ money on, such as paving the parking lot or air conditioning for the church.

 4. Letís go sit in a pew and hear a paid speaker.

 

 5. Heaven forbid that anyone but the pastor say anything.

 6. Give some money to this missionary so he can make some converts to our denomination.

 7. Letís build a gymnasium so we can attract young people to our youth group.

 8. We need a better worship(?) leader and a bigger PA system.

  

9. We have this Sunday school class on how to get over guilt feelings.

 10. Boy, is she stuck up. She never speaks to me first.

 11. Did you know we are on 135 TV stations now?

 12. Just repeat this little prayer after me.

 

 13. You need to pay your tithe into the church house to pay the pastors and the mortgage or God wonít bless you.

 

14. Letís take a vote. Majority rules.

  15. We canít do that. It violates the denominationís bylaws.

 

 16. Here is our doctrinal statement for you to follow.

 17. We would never allow such a thing in our church.

  18. Our pastor does all that now, as long as they last.

 

 19. Our pastor runs everything.

 

   20. What this church needs to grow is a more eloquent preacher.

  21. Miracles are not for today.  (Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. 2 Tim. 3:5)

 

22. Our benevolence fund is empty right now, the Salvation Army is about 3 blocks west.

 

 23. The general assembly is going to vote on that next month.

 24. The first 10% belongs to the church.

 25. What Bill Clinton did doesn't matter as long as he does his job well.

 26. Not in OUR church.

 27. I live to shop.

  28. The service went ten minutes overtime.

 29. Itís great to see youÖ Iíll pray for youÖ. I love you with the love of the Lord.

 30. Lord, please get me a parking place close to the door.

 31. Have you heard the joke aboutÖ  I know that video is R rated, butÖ.

 32. Use the Word to control and judge one another.

  33. Would you join me In the responsive reading printed in your bulletin?

 34. Test nothing. Hold on to our tradition.

 35. We are not a charismatic church. You canít lift your hands here. It would disturb those around you.

 36. You have to be a member here before you can be an elder

 37. Perhaps we should remove them from the membership role?

 38. We canít say anything publicly; they might leave, or even sue us.

 39. If I am an ambassador for God, shouldn't I dress and drive like an ambassador for God?

 40. We canít say anything like that, we might lose our tax exempt status.

 

 The church in Laodicea

 

UPCHUCK!